I was on my couch last night, watching an episode of House and scrolling through apartment listings on Craigslist when something dawned on me.
Being the social media addict that I am thanks to my job, I twittered my epiphany:
“You know what I just realized? I’m perfectly fine with the speed of life and there’s nothing that I want to skip ahead to.”
It was an amazing realization to have. I can’t remember the last time I was even remotely content with where my life is at. For a long time, I felt like I was always waiting. Like my life was a series of highly stressful commercials. Waiting for the summer to see my friends from high school who were away at school. Waiting for the term would end so economics would quit suffocating my soul. Waiting for heartache and homesickness to vanish. Waiting to move. Waiting to hear about a job. Waiting to finally feel that sense of belonging that had been escaping me ever since I left my hometown.
It became even more dramatic my last six months in Oregon. I was waiting to go to New York for job interviews. I was waiting to hear back from the interviews. I was waiting to move. I was waiting to find the right apartment. I was waiting to have friends, furniture and an understanding of the God-forsaken freeway system in New Jersey (which I have determined will never, ever happen).
For the first time in a long time, I’m not wishing for a remote control to fast forward my life or to rewind it to better day. There are things that I’m looking forward to like my trips to Oregon for my brother’s graduation and the Children with Diabetes conference in Florida, my twenty-third birthday rolling in at the beginning of August and hopefully a meet-up or two around the East Coast.
But none of these things are going to fix my life the way that I expected all the moving and changes in school schedules. I’m not expecting them to. There are things that I hope will eventually happen – like having a boyfriend, or moving to a nicer apartment, or changing job, or getting a kitty.
But I’m not looking to jump ahead to anything.
Right now is just fine with me. Enjoying the friends that I have made, either through this blog – which has been a godsend to me – or through my real life adventures. I’m perfectly content to explore the neighborhoods of New York City, and even New Jersey has surprised me on a number of occasions. I have friends that I can call or at least e-mail, though perhaps not quite as spur of the moment as I’d like, but we’re grown-ups with jobs and errands and things to do. Not everything can be as spontaneous as when you’re 19. I have made my attempts to join groups, and while they haven’t all panned out like I planned, it’s still been an enjoyable adventure.
I’m still homesick sometimes. But I don’t think I crave that sense of belonging that I did when I first came to the East Coast. I think that’s something blogging has taught me actually. With so many welcoming friends – sometimes friends that I haven’t even met yet – I know I belong. I belong everywhere and I can finally just press play.
That’s a very nice feeling to have.